Getting Lost on Life’s Highway

March 28, 2015 –  Getting lost can happen to anyone and can be a positive or negative experience or both.  You can discover new places, meet new people, try new things, and grow as a person.  You can waste time and energy, end up nowhere, become so lost that you become discouraged of ever finding your way back, and relationships can be strained or lost.  There are many ways a person can get lost on life’s highway.

For many months, I have been lost.  I lost my way to a happy life.  My pilgrimage took a wrong turn.  After leaving a job I had for 16 years, losing my father (my only parent since I was 13), and fleeing a 14 year abusive marriage with nothing more than my pets – their toys – and a handful of clothes, and having my best friend die, and losing my uncle & other relatives, I REALLY GOT LOST.  I did not know what direction to put my job search effort.  I got buried in a tomb of grief & despair.  Simply, I got lost inside myself, inside my mind, and in the world itself.

My pets kept me alive.  They gave me a reason to live, to keep waking up even when I felt so lost that I could not see any sunlight.  Looking into their eyes, petting my dogs & cats and caring for their welfare kept me surviving.

I guess all of the losses of the year finally came together for me in my mind & heart.  For months, I tried to make new friends, try new things, but never actually made new friends and found no enjoyment in what used to give me joy.  It became easier to just give up trying to be social, trying to make a life for myself.   It became easier to just stay home, not go out of the house, and isolate.  My pilgrimage to a happy life had come to a dead stop, or did it?

I met a friend in September 2014 who helped me realize that I am not worthless and I am capable of having the life I want if I found the strength and perseverance to go after it.  I found a job that has meaning to me —- I get to work for a health program that allows people to stay in their own home instead of a nursing home.  My dad could have been helped by this program had I known about it.  I joined Kellers Kats, a cat only rescue group.  I reconnected with an old friend, Sami & her mom.  I started enjoying life again.  Spending time with my pets, playing my dulcimer, and volunteering.   Part of being on a pilgrimage to a happy life is finding and maintaining the self esteem and self worth to know you deserve a happy life.

I am back on the road, on Life’s Highway to the destination of a happy life.  I was lost but found my way back.  I am looking forward to chicken barbecues (even though I am a vegetarian – as they are fundraising events), festivals, dog walks, redecorating my house, volunteering, and enjoying life with my pets, my fur babies.   I still  have some recovering to do, but I am working on it.

Everyone gets lost. It is in being able to see the positives and negatives of getting lost and the journey back that helps us grow and press on to a Happy Life.

Matters of Faith & Holiday Surival on the Pilgrimage to a Happy Life

11/24/2014, Faith, religion, spirituality is very person.  Some try to push their beliefs on others.  While, others try to show their faith through how they live their own life.  And yet, others avoid the subject entirely or shrink away from it when they know they are talking to someone who is not “religious”.   Each one of us, will, at some point in our lives have to determine what it is we believe or don’t believe.  That’s the simple truth whether we are young, middle aged, or on our death bed….we will make a decision about “faith.”

Two thoughts on Religion & Holidays:

Thought #1.  The holiday season is upon us with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s.   It is a time to be thankful, feel rebirth, and be happy.  However, for many of us the holiday season is full of sadness, loneliness, and struggles.  How does someone who lives alone, has a few friends, and no family to spend the holidays be happy being alone?  We all want to be loved and cared for by another human being, but sometimes we are totally alone.  After researching on how to survive the holidays being alone, the following suggestions can be made:  1.  Volunteer….volunteer at a homeless shelter, at church, or volunteer at a nursing home or veteran’s outreach center  2. Make a list of people that you can at least call and wish them a happy holiday — even 5 minutes on the phone with another person makes for human contact 3.  Invite someone or people to your house for dinner – you never know until you ask  4. Go to fee concerts…there are many free concerts, choirs this time of year 5.  Attend church events or library events to be social when you can 6.  If alone on the holiday, do something – at least one thing for yourself that is special….whether a meal, a gift for yourself,  watching a movie you’ve been wanting to see….do something out of the ordinary.   7.  Plan ahead as much as possible to prepare how you are going to get through, survive, or even enjoy the holiday.

Thought #2 Religious beliefs.  The holiday season is a time for reflection, remembering holidays spent from childhood through to the present.   Living alone whether by choice or through loss of loved ones can be difficult as we often wonder why God let a relationship end, or why someone died, etc. etc.   In our grief, we get caught up in the anger, the raw emotion to the point that we are so bitter or angry at God….that we cannot feel his love, light, and truth in our lives.  We are so busy pounding on his chest, that we cannot feel his arms wrapped around us – holding us because we are his precious child.  Letting go of the Why God, whys….can occur.  Some events we will never know why & that is where trust comes in.  Believing in a loving, forgiving, and merciful God & surrendering all of the “bad” feelings can be a rebirth to a new relationship with God.  Some find it helpful to write a letter to God, others pray, & others seek pastoral help.  Deciding what you believe or don’t believe this holiday season may refresh you & be worth the effort.

Personally, the approaching holiday season holds many challenges for me.  I am alone.  I have my pets, but no humans.  So, I am volunteering at a homeless shelter & cooking for me and my pets.  I will also visit a couple of friends that were nice enough to ask me for Thanksgiving.  Remembering the pain of the last year with my dad being so sick, my marriage falling apart, and recovering from a surgery ….brings back pain & grief that I thought I was over.  I guess I am not over it.  Last Thanksgiving, I had to tell my dying father that he would not see or talk to my sister on Thanksgiving…that was by far one of the hardest things I ever had to do ….to tell a dying man he would not see his eldest daughter.   Then, on Christmas morning – my dad went to the hospital for the last time….also, my father in law was admitted on Christmas too….both for congestive heart failure. Last Christmas was one of the worst days in my life.

At first, I was not going to celebrate the holidays at all this year.  However, for me the holidays of my childhood are dear to me & I have examined my faith.   I am a Christian & believe that Jesus’ birthday is to be celebrated.  I believe that God can forgive me for being angry or bitter.  Also, I believe that whatever comes my way in the future, God will help me get through it all.  I have been doing a lot of praying & reading and I believe that my spirituality can be “re-awakened or renewed” by making a decision to turn my will & live over to the care of God -surrendering & accepting Jesus as my savior.  I cannot think of a better gift this holiday season than to have a renewed relationship with Jesus.  God has blessed me by giving me this gift this year…a gift that is not just for me but for everyone who believes.  I am not the type to push my religion on others.  I am merely stating what my experience has been & what I have decided to believe.   So, during these holidays – I will remember sledding & playing as a child, I will remember my Dad cooking, and I will remember what my parents taught me about the holidays.  Then, I will decide how I want my present & future holidays to be recognized (celebrated).   I have decided that my faith in God is important to me, and I am comfortable knowing what I believe.  My faith will help me survive & enjoy the holidays to some degree.

If you are facing the holidays alone & are undecided about what you believe about spiritual or religious matters, I hope you take the time to think about it.  There are really 2 issues….How will you spend the holidays  & then what do the holidays mean to you?  I normally do not write religious articles; however, it is hard to think about Thanksgiving & Christmas without thinking abut belief in God.  Living & being alone does not mean that celebrating holidays has to end…it just means that you are free to celebrate them in any way you want to.  Also, you are not alone…there are many widows, orphans, survivors of abuse, etc. facing the same things.   Life is a gift, each day is a gift.  I hope you treasure your gift.

Running out of Gasoline on Life’s Highway

11/21/2014,  Ever been driving a car and run out of gasoline or risked driving with so little gasoline that the warning light went on?  Some people  seem to always be on track and would never run low on gas.  Yet, others have run out and had to call AAA or are daring enough to risk it.  What separates these two types of people?  Maybe the ability to not get distracted, or the ability to plan ahead, or depending on the warning light to remind them.   Whatever the reason, I believe that there are times on life’s pilgrimage where we all run out of gas or risk running too low that we need to stop & re-vitalize.

Lately, I have been running on empty on my pilgrimage to a happy life.  Sometimes I feel like I am constantly running, that I am so busy that I can never do the things I want or sometimes need to do.  This is odd because I live alone with my fur-kids.  I am like 99% of the population in that there is hardly a day that I don’t go anywhere.  When is the last time you had a day off or took a day and went nowhere, just stayed at home?   When we do spend a day home, we always feel good being home — like it is a retreat or a holiday vacation.

In the past couple of weeks, I have literally been constantly running.  For instance, On Monday – I got up at 8:00am & had to leave at 8:30am for a 9am doctor’s appointment, after the doctor’s appointment – I had promised to help my friend at 10:30am which took me to 1:30pm, then I had volunteered at an animal shelter to go walk dogs from 2:30 -4:30pm.   I live 45 minutes from anything, so got home at 5:15ish to potty & feed my own dogs & cats, to turn around and have to be at church from 6:30pm – 8:30pm as people were counting on me to be there.  I finally got home at 9:00pm…..I literally ran all day from 8:30am to 9:00pm.   Yes, I got home inbetween some things to potty my pets, get my mail, etc. but I did so much running back and forth I was exhausted.  The crazy thing was that looking in my calendar, I realized I had many days like that.  I have been creating my own brand of energy draining chaos.

Then, things happened that stopped me dead in my tracks and made me realize that it is ok STOP, just simply stop, and restore the energy that has been drained.  My 13 yr old cat, Eddie, has a lump that may be cancer.   When the veterinarian said he wanted to do a lumpectomy on Eddie the day before Thanksgiving, it took my breath away.  He will have his surgery next week.  Eddie has no symptoms other than a lump, but the instant worry/concern over the health of my beloved pet made me realize that my constant running is not in the best interest of those I love, namely my fur-kids.  The following day, my 2 1/2 year old hamster looked sickly, and I believe my hamster is dying.   I realized that since leaving my husband, I have been the only human that my pets have to rely on.  I do spend time with my pets; however, there will be no more crazy days of endless running.   I will plan my days better to allow some “down” time or home time with those who need me & who I love dearly.   Since the veterinarian appointment, I have slowed down – STOPPED, spent time at home, and now have the energy because of the love and positivity that I experienced simply by being with those I love.

My experience of running out of gas was my becoming severely depressed and down in the dumps.  I did not want to get out of bed, put laundry away, or even cook for myself.  In 2014, I lost my father, best friend, father in law, and uncle all of whom died.  Now, my hamster & my beloved cat of 13 years may die too!  Then, adding my divorce, unexpected house repairs, and then running – running – running.   I was exhausted and never realized it until I STOPPED running.   Slowing down, spending time with my pets and talking with friends renewed my strength to keep going and also to decide how fast my running will be in the future.

Sometimes it takes some tragedy or worry to make us realize what is important to us and how we have been acting or running.  The idea of running out of gas & needing to be recharged by those we love and who love us can be applied to family, spouses, children, friends, or even pets.   We, humans, are very much like cars as we can run out of gas, steam and need maintenance from time to time.  For me, my mechanics are my fur-kids and friends.  Who are your mechanics?  Who helps you renew your strength/energy?  Whoever or whatever renews you, it is well worth stopping and dwelling there from time to time.

 

 

Good Eggs on the Pilgrimage to a Happy Life

11/15/2014,  It is said that those who like children, the elderly, and animals are okay people.  Also, the comment that someone is a good egg, cool, or really knowledgeable all are examples of judging a person’s characteristic.   Another old saying, “We are known by the company we keep”.   Who do you keep close to you on your life’s pilgrimage to your happy life?  What draws you to the people who you deem, “good company”?

As I sit in my living room, I can hear one of my 12 year old cockapoo snoring as she lays sprawled out on the living room couch.  Upstairs, I can hear the 8 month old kitten I adopted cooing, yes cooing- not meowing as she coos when she is sleepy and cozying up to her sister.  For several months, I have been writing that I live alone.  However, I am ever reminded by the sounds of my fur-kids that I really do not live alone at all.  I have them & we all have each other.  The correct thing I should write is that I do not live with another human being.  This has led me to consider the company I keep.  Who are the beings that are the closest to me & are they “good” company?

My fur kids, are well, my fur kids.  I love them and while they can be naughty, such as climbing my shower curtain and ripping it to shreds, or barking for no apparent reason other than to wake me, I love them dearly.  They give me company at home, someone to talk to, to cuddle with, even to eat with on occasion.  So, my fur-kids are great company and my life would be empty without them.  Anyone living alone should consider having a pet, as the joy and love you get back makes you feel not so alone.

Then, there are the people closest to me.   My social network, family make up, and even acquaintances has changed drastically over the past 11 months.  Eleven months ago, my people contact included my terminally ill father, my brother (on a rare occasion), church people (occasionally), with my abusive husband at the center controlling my every move.  With the death of my father & escaping my bad marriage, I found myself pretty alone in deed.  For the first time in years, I could choose who I spent time with, who I even talked to on the phone.   I worked very hard to get the “bad” eggs out of my life.  I had to learn that if someone does not have my best interest at heart, then they should not be a part of my life.  This was a hard lesson to both learn and implement; especially, since I am a nurturer and caretaker.   I give, and give, and give to the point that it hurts me.  So, I had to stop and evaluate each relationship I have with people.   If the relationship is not good for me, it needed to end.  If not hurtful, then that person I deemed to be ok.   Evaluating & removing toxic relationships is a process over time and can be very difficult.

Sitting in my living room with my snoring dog & cooing cat, I realize that those humans that are in my network of people, those close to me, some I see often, some not so often, some just talking to on the phone…..they are all “good” eggs.  Each one with their own faults as no one is perfect, but also having characteristics I like or admire.  Knowing them makes me feel better about myself and even a better person.  For instance, my friend, Pam, is a go-getter and very organized, and I wish I was as organized as she is.  My cousin, Sandy, is supportive from a distance always having an encouraging or uplifting thing to say which makes me feel supported and cared about.  Then I have a friend who is going through her own struggles, and we listen to each other with sympathy & a things will get better attitude.  My friend, Sammathi, is a friend who has known me for years – we lost contact for 14 years but have now re-connected which makes me feel good & alive as she has me try new things, food, stores, etc.  My point is that the people I now choose to have around me are people whose characteristics support, uplift my mood, make me happy, and who I consider “good” people who are not out to hurt me or give me a bad reputation, etc.

If I can change my social network of people, anyone can.  Ending toxic relationships is never easy.   But, in the end – you replace them with new, good ones when the timing is right.   On my pilgrimage to a happy life, I surround myself with animals, animal rescue group friends, church people, and friends/family who I know will always have my best interest at heart.   Likewise, I consider their needs & try to support them.  That is how friendship works.  It took me a long time to realize how living with abuse can alter & fog up my thinking about relationships.  The fog has lifted for me.  I hope that on your life’s journey, you surround yourself with “good” eggs.

Improving Self-Worth on Life’s Journey

11/12/2014,  If you were asked to write 10 positive things about yourself, could you do it or would you struggle?  Would writing 10 negative things about yourself be easier?  If you would have no problems writing the positives, I say BRAVO!!  You are a role model & have a lot to offer your friends who are not so confident in their own person…whose self-esteem & self-worth have been damaged along life’s highway.  Being your friend allows others to see how you live confidently and how they can too.   However, if writing the negatives would be easier or writing the positives would be a struggle, you are not alone & there are ways to increase your self-esteem, self-worth and become confident in your own person – to really know yourself.

Being confident in your own person on the pilgrimage to a happy life is important because when you have self-esteem/self-worth, when storms come – – you can stand & face them.  The age old words,  To Thine Ownself Be True….is a direction to know yourself on life’s journey.   We are not born with low self-esteem, low self-worth.   Abuse of any type, being put down constantly in school/as a child, our own mistakes in life, these are the things that rob our self-esteem, our self-worth –that make us insecure.   This insecurity in our own personhood manifests itself in our family relationships, at work, and stops us from doing things…from trying to achieve goals or a dream.   This is why learning how to be confident in our own personhood, knowing ourselves will help find happiness or even joy.

Someone asked me recently how she could improve her self-esteem/self worth.  My answer was by doing self-esteemable acts, by forgiving her own mistakes/shortcomings, and remembering the past but look toward the future with hope & life affirming positivity.   Here is a list of self-esteemable acts & self-affirming things to try:

1. Do ONE thing for yourself each day – such as eating a healthier meal, getting a little more exercise, do something you enjoy.  2. Volunteer – find something that you are passionate about or at least enjoy doing & volunteer.  There are many volunteer opportunities to explore.  3. Do a random act of kindness… an example, if going through a drive thru – pay for the person behind you, or open a door for someone or simply say hello to someone that you normally would just pass by 4.  Surround yourself with confident people, people who have your best interest at heart, and that you can learn from.  5.  Use Mastery — this is doing one thing, doing it to the best of your ability to give you a sense of achievement.  Examples, painting, sewing, cooking, gardening, or simply focusing on cleaning or organizing and giving 100% effort.  6.  Stop doing or get help for bad habits, hang ups, or letting go of toxic relationships, and 7.  each day, write a life affirming, positive message to yourself…a sticky note on your mirror simply stating… “I am a good person.”  or “I deserve respect & I give respect to others.” or simply, “I am likeable.”

Since January, I have been on my own pilgrimage to a happy life.  I have been through a host of major life events from the death of my father, to leaving an abusive marriage, to the death of my best friend, and the deaths of 2 other close people.    I have had other struggles.  But, I have also experienced happiness, joy, and peace.  I have done things I thought I never would have enough self-esteem to do such as:  socialize, make some friends, volunteer, help others, and then also deal with snakes in my yard, snapping turtles, and house repairs.  I have attended library events, participated in dog walk fundraisers, and even started helping other women struggling with domestic violence.   While I still struggle with low self-esteem/self-worth, I no longer let others dictate what my self-worth means to me.  Thus, the terms Self-worth/Self-esteem.  I have a long way to go before I achieve feeling confident in my personhood.   But.  now instead of writing 10 negatives & zero positives, I would be able to write 4 positives which is a start.  My pilgrimage to a happy life now includes striving to become confident in my own person… it is a journey.

Self-confidence/Self-worth is not just for people who have had a good life or have never been hurt, abused, or put down.  At birth, we are not born with low self-worth.  Remembering this, can help us decide to improve it one step at a time.  Self esteemable acts allow us to gain confidence that we were all entitled to have from the moment we were born.  If you struggle with being confident in your own personhood, I hope you decide to remember your past but then look to the future with hope — hope for a more confident & happy you.

 

Rainbows on Life’s Highways

10/26/2014,  It is said that every time it rains, there is a rainbow to be found somewhere.   In stories, there is almost always a silver lining theme.  When a relationship ends, life eventually takes on a sense of refreshing newness & exploration.  Even at a funeral, love and compassion can be found & people (families) can reconnect in remembering the dearly departed.  Sometimes finding the good & positive things that come from tragedy, problems, etc. is very hard to do.  Sometimes it is trying to see the glass being half full when everything inside you says that glass is half empty.  The trying to see the positive often makes the difference in how long we suffer emotional pain.  Sometimes we wallow in sorrow & despair.  Sometimes we fight to survive.  Sometimes we become angry & bitter for awhile.  Sometimes we do not suffer long—sometimes we see the goodness, truth, light, the silver lining before despair sets in.

The rainbows on life’s highways should be observed, appreciated, and give us hope.  I am not saying that there is always something positive that comes from a tragedy.  But, what I am saying is that we need to be aware of what surrounds us…to see the positive….to be open to something good when we are at our lowest.  If we are receptive to whatever is positive around us, then the darkness may not be so dark.  For instance, sitting in a hospital emergency room waiting for news of a loved one & seeing a child play or reading…the child’s joy of living for a moment can be heartening if you let it.  Another example, losing a job & then finding new & cheap forms of entertainment (such as library or church events) – thus learning to live cheaper which brings a deeper appreciation for when a job is obtained.  Also, getting divorced & feeling lonely and then being asked to come to a party or event or dinner with friends.   Seeing whatever is positive & good around you in the midst of emotional pain is seeing the rainbows on life’s highways.

The past 72 hours, I have experienced seeing the rainbows put in my path.  On Friday, I had a friend back out of attending a play with me after I bought the tickets.  Having social phobia, I did not go alone to the play.  I was feeling let down & depressed especially since my divorce was just finalized & I needed a friend.  Then, on Saturday I volunteered for a local pet rescue group at a garden center fall family event & I saw several people I knew…former co-workers, friends I have not seen in a long time, and even acquaintances.  All of these people said hello, some hugged me, and I felt happy seeing all of them.   So after feeling lonely & let down on Friday…my positive experience on Saturday made me feel better.  Then, came Sunday morning.  I asked my friend, Pam – president of the church council, to sit with me at a brunch that was happening at church.  I asked her a week beforehand.  She said yes & I bought the ticket to the brunch.  Then, this morning — she told me she could not sit with me because she had to sit at a table for the church council.  Again, my social phobia kicked in & I left because I had no one to sit with.   I felt devastated…truly devastated because this was now the 2nd friend to back out on me.  Then, I went back to the Garden Factory/center to volunteer.  Today, Sunday, I met my grand nephew for the first time…he is 18 mos old & I felt truly blessed to be able to meet him.  Due to strained relationships, I never thought I would meet him….Then, I did today.  God blessed me with meeting my grand nephew.  I also saw one of my cousins and his children.  Again, I saw people I knew which made me extremely happy today.  While I could focus on the 2 friends who let me down, I am choosing to dwell on the positive things that happened this weekend.  I am choosing to see the rainbow.

In choosing to see the rainbows on life’s highways, the focus is on positivity, truth, light, joy, and goodness.  It does not mean we do not experience pain.  It simply means that we are aware & conscious of the good things, the rainbows around us and in our lives.

 

Dark Tunnels on Life’s Highways

10/22/2014,  When problems arise, when tragedy strikes, when what seems like insurmountable odds are against us, when someone we love hurts us, how do we survive? How do we get through the dark tunnel to get to the light on the other side.  Some pray, some are angry at God or asking God why, some get depressed, some over-eat, some drink, some just keep a stiff upper lip and just get through it, and some try to help someone else in need or volunteer.   The fact is that we all have dark, bleak times and we all have our own way of dealing with them.  However, we all get through them – – we survive.  The fact that you are reading this, and I am writing this means we are survivors.  We all find a way to get through the tunnel.

Facebok is a wonderful tool to keep people connected to share humor, recipe, happy times, and struggles.  In the past week, I have noticed my own Facebook friends sharing the gambit of connection.  However, I paid attention to the amount of struggle people sharing from car accidents, to major health concerns, to financial difficulties, and to relationship difficulties.  What I noticed was that people rallied around the people and encouraged them with positive, life affirming statements.

What about those who do no share struggles, who keep everything to themselves?  How do they get through the tunnel?  Some keep a journal, some keep busy, some find something positive in their life to focus on.  Some positive ways to get through the dark times include:  journaling, praying, meditating, exercising, volunteering, and listing pros and cons of options.

There are some of us with negative coping methods such as self harm (cutting, burning, etc), drinking, drugging, fighting, and having suicidal thoughts. These coping methods often lead to more problems and can become yet another dark tunnel.  If one of these is your coping methods, I personally know it is not easy to not do these things but it is possible to adapt to a life affirming coping method.  Google, go to the library, or ask a medical professional about positive coping skills

My own pilgrimage to a happy life had a couple dark tunnels this week. My divorce is final from my abusive husband  after  10 months of living alone and going through the divorce process.  However, my fight to survive him is far from over.  I am in survival  mode.  But at first,  I  was in a dark tunnel with no light and in complete despair.  Having a 14 yr relationship end is like a death regardless if it was abusive or not.  At one time, my ex-husband and I came together and formed a bond out of love, need, or desire.  The fact that it legally has ended is both a blessing and a sad event also.  It is also scary because he will never let me go.  The other dark tunnel this week is my roof.  It is leaking & I am very worried about being taken advantage of by the roofer or any repair man.  Living alone, I am responsible for any repairs (house, car, etc.) and that is a new concept for me.  In one week, getting divorced but being in danger & then having a leaky roof when all it is doing is raining outside sent me into a pit or tunnel of despair.  However, after observing others struggling and surviving.  I started walking through my tunnel.  I am taking a personal defense class, beefed up my home security, and called the roofer for an estimate.  Then, I made some plans with a friend to see a high school play and am volunteering for a pet rescue in a couple of days at an event.  My pilgrimage to a happy life continues through the dark, bleak tunnels of strife.

If you are facing your own dark tunnel, you are not alone.  There is light, life, and happiness waiting on the other side.  If you need help, please get help.  Today’s struggles is tomorrow’s strength.  Never give up hope.

Saying NO, when your life to too busy to be happy

10/04/2014,  Saying No can be extremely difficult, especially for people who like to please others even to the point of self sacrifice.  There are many reasons why we do not say no & have no boundaries with people.  One reason is that we derive self worth out of what we can do for others often seeking approval or love.  Sometimes it is because if we don’t do something, then it would not get done by anyone so we just do it.  The problem of always saying yes and not setting limits is that it can lead to burnout, resentment, and actually lower self esteem as the person’s own needs are not being met which leads to thinking that he or she is not important.

Sometimes there is an art to saying no.   For instance, when asked by your church or a charity to help them do something we always feel obliged to help them as it is for God or serving others.  When our lives are chaotic, overloaded, or simply we just don’t have the energy or want to help – saying no to this type of request requires some social grace.  We want to say no but in a way that is pleasant and caring.   In cases, like this sometimes simply stating something like, “I am sorry but I have to say no, I can’t help. But, maybe I can help in the future.”  This is what I like to call softening the blow.  Saying no, but leaving an opening to help in the future (if it is something I would be willing to do that is).  The most important thing to remember is that we have the right to say no – even for good,positive requests – if we do not want to do them.  Sometimes we take on too much responsibility which leads to exhaustion.  When we are exhausted or burned out, we do not give our best to what we do.  So, if we take on too much we are actually short-changing things we really care about.

There are times that we need to say no and be firm when doing so.   When asked to do something that is harmful or self-deflating and is not in our best interest to do, we need the strength to say no and not back down.  For instance, a victim of domestic violence often gives in to her abuser over and over again and again.  If the abuser makes a request, the victim often feels no choice but to say yes when in reality, she has every right to say no.  Another example is when an adult child asks their elderly parents for money.  The elderly parent, on a fixed income, feels obligated to help their child because they love them and they are the parent.  However, the elderly person sacrifices to give the adult child money which may mean worrying about their own finances, worrying about buying medicine or food.  These are examples of when saying no is a self-protective thing that must be done.   It may be that the requestor is not bad or evil, but if we give in….then, we are hurting ourselves.   Saying no, even to a loved one, is an ok thing to do.   We may feel guilty saying no, but in the end, it is the right thing to do.  We cannot keep saying yes when saying yes is detrimental to our own well being.

Obviously, there are times when we say yes to requests.   This article is really about when we want to say no and struggle with doing it.  Guilt and feelings of obligations, and even fear of saying no are powerful emotions.  We need to find balance in our lives so that our lives feel fulfilled and happy, not just work and struggle.  Being able to say no and set limits is a very health thing to be able to do.

On my Pilgrimage to a Happy Life, I often struggle with saying no & I am learning that there are times I really need to do it.  For instance, the pet rescue group I volunteer with asked me to attend their jewelry fundraiser.  I do not wear a lot of jewelry and I have been feeling a financial crunch.  So, saying no to their request for me to attend the jewelry fundraiser is appropriate and in my best interest.  Instead, I volunteered to help clean animal cages and walk the dogs.  Another example in my recent life is when my soon to be ex-husband called me and stated, “I don’t want to hear anything, I need you to lend me $55.00”.  When I asked him why he needed the money, he stated he had no food and no gasoline but would get his money in 2 days.  Since part of the abuse in my marriage was financial abuse, I said no to him.  I did offer to give him food, which he turned down.  The next day he called me from a Grape Festival in Naples, NY which was at least 60 miles from his house.  He was not starving or out of gas, he asked me for the money to help fund his outing to the festival.  Saying no to him about the money was difficult because in the past I had always given it to him out of fear.  But, the time has come for me to realize that it is healthy for me to consider requests and then consider my own best interest.  For myself, I believe that God gives us the ability to decide what we want to do and what we don’t want to do, also known as free will and that he only wants the best for us and for us to live happy, whole lives.  Saying no and setting limits on my journey to a happy life is not a bad thing.

If you struggle with overload, burn out, resentment, or exhaustion of being to busy or receiving too many or inappropriate requests….I hope you consider saying no and setting limits.  Think about your busy life & why it seems busy.  Is there something you can say no to which will make your life seem less busy and more happy?

 

 

What Does a Happy Life Look Like to You?

10/03/2014,  What does it mean to have a happy life?  Does it mean the same thing to everyone?   Does a person’s past experiences and current status frame his or her idea of what a happy life actually is?

My pilgrimage to a happy life means a destination for me.  My happy life is a lige free of abuse, violence, and negativity.  A happy life means loving myself and having self worth, wholeness where light and truth are constants.  Peace, contentment, & joy are present 85% of the time.  My happy life will include one thing each day that gives me joy and hapiness such as playing with my pets, painting, volunteering, or spending time with friends.   This is my goal for achieving a happy life.

I have a long journey ahead of me.  I am almost divorced but still struggle with staying away from and being safe from my abuser.  Also,  it is incredibly difficult to make friends who understand me.  But, I am trying.  I am volunteering this month on the weekends to go to festivals to educate people on dog and cat health and care.  I am far enough on my journey to try new things and try to make friends.   Living alone I have found some self worth. .however small but enough to try.  My pilgrimage to a happy life has a destination and I have started the walk.

If youcare at a crossroads or starting to build or re-create your life, I hope you start to visualize what your happy life looks like.  Envisioning where you want your journey to take you will help measure your progress so you can celebrate goals reached along the way.  The road can be long and windy but the journey is worth the effort.

 

 

 

 

Losing My Life to Build a Life, the last part of How my Journey Started

09/24/2014,  Events can put us in situations, but then there is an internal event that takes place within us.  Previously, I have detailed how losing my father when he died and how losing my marriage was losing my life.   These two events did put me in the situation of living alone and all that comes with being alone and friendless.   However, my 3rd and final part of Losing My Life has to do with overcoming my fears, fear of rejection, fear of having no one – not even friends, fear of not being able to support myself, and a whole host of other fears.  Then, after realizing my fears having to find the self-esteem to reach out of my comfort zones to start my pilgrimage to a happy life.

When faced with tragedy, trauma, a crisis, etc…. the situation is the situation.   There are some who would say we are powerless over some of these events, and that is true.  Being abused, cheated on, the death of a loved one, unemployment, illness, are all examples of situations that we never want but are thrust upon us.  However, how we go through them….our attitude, our behavior, even our very thinking can decided how the journey through the situation will be….dark and twisty, or light and curvy.

In January 2014, when I lost both my father and my marriage, I faced living alone for the first time in my life at the age of 44.  I had a couple of friends from a church that I had stopped going to that I could call and talk on the phone, but that was all the friends I had at that time.  My brother and sister were going through their own grief, and such as life, we were not close.  There was no one to do things with, spend time with, talk about my day, etc.   One day, driving home from work….it took me 2 1/2 hours to get home because of the snow.  When I finally got home, I realized what living alone meant…If I had gone into a snow bank no one would have known I never made it home.   So, now I realized that besides not having anyone to spend time with there is a safety factor of being alone as well.   In deed, I had many fears.

After years of being isolated, abused, and tortured, I knew that I had little to no self-esteem.  I had zero sense of self-worth with mounds and mounds of shame, guilt, and blame ever present in my life.    I would have to lose my life, these traits that effected my personality and mood – my very thinking, if I was ever going to find happiness.   How would I ever be able to get rid of these thoughts and feelings that were so deeply rooted?

I started researching everything on self esteem, abuse, living alone, divorce, etc.   I reached out to an aunt who lost my uncle a couple of years ago, and asked her how she went on and built a life after his death.   Some suggestions on how to build a life were things I would never do.  However, there were some that I did do and that started me on my Pilgrimage to a Happy Life.   Some of the suggestions that I actually did do were:  1.  Made a list of people that I could call, 2.  Meditated, prayed, and asked myself what I believed about God, nature, etc,  3. did ONE thing a day that I would enjoy doing…not laundry but something I would actually enjoy, 4. Started a journal of my innermost feelings, 5.  Utilized the free events at the library to start being able to be around “people” and feel ok, 6.  Started volunteering which made me feel socially active but also useful, 7.Found something that could distract me when I started feeling down or anxious – whether it was a puzzle, baking, etc…something to focus my attention on, 8.  Went to things I was invited to…whether a dinner, a campfire at my aunt’s, etc.,  and 9. created a schedule/calendar of activities I could do or wanted to do to use as a visual cue that I am part of the world and had things to look forward to.  There are many other things I could have done to help myself such as counseling, support groups, etc. but these 9 are the things I actually did and do that helped me overcome all the negative thoughts and feelings about myself.

In order for me to LOSE the negative internal feelings, behaviors, etc… I had to REPLACE them with something positive.  Volunteering made me feel useful, doing one thing a day I enjoy gave me a joyful/happy/content feeling, calling other people made me feel connected and remembered, and journaling made me realize where I have been and where I want to go in life.  Prayer & meditation gave me solace and comfort.  Recognizing anxiety symptoms made me realize distraction could and does help.   Losing and replacing negatives is a process.  It does not happen overnight.  For me, it is and will be part of my journey.  However, I am on my way to building a happy life with self-esteem, self-worth, and feeling OK about being me as my internal companions.

If you struggle with fears, low self-esteem, self-doubt, guilt, etc…. I hope this article has encouraged you to look at what you can do to make your life better.  As long as we have breath, there is hope for a happy life.