The Road Ahead, Fall & Winter Holiday Paths& my birthday

09/21/2014,  Some people plan for their journeys.  They get road maps, make reservations, formulate plans, and look forward or at least feel comfortable with their journey ahead.  Whether the journey leads to a vacation, retirement, a new home, new friends, etc.  we all have a journey ahead of us.  Sometimes the road we travel on is of our choosing.  We can choose a path of light, truth, and joy OR we can choose a path of darkness, loneliness, and despair.  Our attitude and outlook on the road we are facing directly impacts the nature of the path, dark or light.

With fall & winter fastly approaching, I am ever reminded by the weather & calendar that holidays are coming up.  My first holidays alone.  I have always loved Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s.   Besides being alone this year, each holiday has its’ own hardships for me.  I live in a rural area, and will not get trick or treaters for Halloween.  I will be alone but with my pets for Thanksgiving & I will be missing my father and feeling down being by myself without another human being.  Last Christmas morning was the day that my dad went into the hospital for the last time & then came home to die on January 2nd, Christmas & New Year’s automatically give me a stomach ache when I think of them.  Therefore, how am I going to get through the fall and winter seasons and holidays?  What can I do to help myself?  How can I turn these painful holiday roads into one of light, truth, and even some joy?  For those who are alone, living alone, with a small circle of people….the holidays can really be a challenge.

I googled how to survive holidays alone, how to live alone and be happy, and several other similar topics and came up with a fall/winter holiday road map for the road ahead of me.  First, I have volunteered to help a local animal rescue group at some pet events in September into late October, and will continue volunteering.   Secondly, I have decided not to deny that the holidays exist because I would only be fooling myself.  So, I will make/put up some decorations for each holiday as I would have done when I was married.  Obviously, I am decorating the house only for my own benefit, but I have decided that decorations may help “lighten” up the mood/atmosphere in my home.  Thirdly, I have signed up for some free events at the public library…. crafts, lectures, etc.   By attending library events, I will at least be with other human beings in a social setting.  Fourth, I will find a church and help with any events they have for the holidays and attend the events.  Lastly, on the actual holidays – I will have a list of people that I can call even just to say hello and with them a happy holiday…thus connecting to another human being.  I am fortunate in having pets because I can focus my attention to my pets on the holidays and find joy in their happiness.

Having events written on the calendar, whether volunteer events – library events- or church events, helps me not feel so isolated and alone.  I can see on a calendar that in a week or two…I have some social activity coming up.   The calendar has become a road map for me for socializing and knowing that I am part of society….part of the world.

My birthday is in December, and honestly – this will be the first birthday that I will be totally alone…not with my husband or another person.  Honestly, I do not have a plan in how to get through this.   The thought of another year in my life going by & being alone and lonely  is really quite depressing.   I am working on how I will get through this day.  Maybe I will get a rotissiere chicken and share it with my pets.  Then I  may take myself out to a movie.  I am far enough along on my Pilgrimage to a Happy Life that I know I will get through my birthday somehow.

Living alone and facing the holiday road can be a daunting experience.   The holiday blues is a very real condition.   However, with some planning the holidays can be faced with an attitude of — “I will get through this.  I will make the holidays as joyful as possible.  Those who love me or loved me (and have passed) would want me to be happy & joyful in my memories of them.  Happiness is a gift I will give myself.”  If you are facing the holidays alone, or even if holidays usually depress you, consider finding your own road map of survival for the holidays….make a route that will give you light, truth, and some joy.

 

 

Losing My Life, How My Journey Started -Part 2

9/20/2014,  There were 3 events in which I lost my life that started my Pilgrimage to a Happy Life.  Part 1 details how in losing my father, I lost my life.   In this article, Part 2 – I will discuss how I lost my life in the realm of abuse.  This 3 part series is the hardest articles I have ever written.  My sincere hope is that those who read this will understand loss, grief, abuse, and survival better.  I hope that my experiences may help someone else struggling with the same issues.

Abuse can be emotional, spiritual, financial, sexual, and physical.  Most often a victim will experience more than one of these types in an abusive relationship.  Regardless of the type of abuse….the effects can be devastating and the road to recovery long and hard.  Abuse in any form, destroys self-esteem and trust and can lead to shame, guilt, and despair.   The experience of abuse impacts all future relationships as a survivor cannot NOT think about it.   Over time, it can lessen & supportive relationships can grow…but the survivor of abuse always knows what they have endured.   A relationship of abuse is a series of recurring trauma….trauma leaves a deep impact.  Which form or forms of abuse one suffers does not take away the bond that all survivors share….the fact that another human being or beings hurt them & then having to live with it for the rest of their lives.

In my life, I have survived every form of abuse.  By the time I met & married my husband, I was already a survivor of childhood & young adulthood abuse.  When I met my husband in 2000, he yelled & screamed and hit me…as soon as we started dating.  I thought this was a normal relationship.  He was the male, and I was the lowly female whose identity and self-esteem had already been destroyed.  Like any abusive relationship, there are times of extreme abuse and then times of extreme joy and happiness…. him hurting me & then treating me like I am the only woman on the planet.  I really fell in love with him.   I knew that he would never let anyone else hurt me, just him.  I thought he could change or that I could change him which was not true at all.

1st time I left – 2012 to 2013,  After months of counseling at a battered women’s shelter, I rented an apartment and me and my 2 dogs left him at the end of 2012.   My husband had threatened to kill me, and while he had done so numerous times before, this time – I believed he really would do it.  I took the dogs and their toys and moved into a studio apartment.  I had no food, no blankets, nothing…  After a few days, my church came to my aid and helped me get food, loaned me a cot to sleep on, and gave me a radio.  They took pity on me and cared for me & loved me until I could love myself.   I told my husband that I did not want a divorce, but I left because of his treatment of me, and that he needed to get help before I would come back.  I had also contacted legal aid, and was told, that they would help me get divorced free of charge because it was so bad.  I was confused, not knowing whether to go back or get divorced.   But, I went back to him because I loved him and I honored my vows.  I had devoted years to him, loving him, standing by him, believing that he was capable of being the husband I wanted him to be.

End stage, 2013-2014,  After I moved back…the abuse actually got worse.  He would never forgive me for leaving him, the debt he incurred while I lived apart from him, and how he suffered public humiliation for me leaving him.   The cycle of abuse got faster and faster and the lows were…well bottomless pits.   On Thanksgiving 2013, I cooked a chicken as he did not allow me to cook turkey, but I never got to eat the meal.  His pit bull attacked my 12 pound shitzhu.  He grabbed his belt, looped it and stood in the kitchen yelling that I needed to choose…someone was dying.. he told me to choose me or the pitbull….yes, he was asking me to choose my life or the pit bull.   I knew then that I had no choice, leaving and ending the marriage was the only safe way to survive.  But, after so many years I believed I needed him.  My father was dying and I did not want to be alone.  I loved my husband, and so when he said he was sorry and that he would never threaten me again, I wanted to believe him.  In my heart, I knew he wouldn’t change, but I thought that maybe I had enough love and patience and if I changed to what he wanted….that maybe our marriage could be better.

January 10, 2014 — My father died at 9:20am, at 1:30pm – I was making funeral arrangements, and then my marriage ended at 5:0opm.   When I got home at 5:00pm, my husband immediately told me that because I had been taking care of my dad and not at home, that he found 3 girlfriends off of craigslist.  Then, he said that he wanted the 21 yr old…he was 48…..to move into our house because she was homeless.   We proceeded to have our last knock down, drag out fight.   That was the only thing I never thought he would do to me….cheat.   That night, I fled.  I took me, my pets, their toys, and a handful of clothes and moved into my dad’s house.  I had no idea that my father left me house.  I believe that some how my dad knew I would need it.  I was luckier than most abuse victims because I had somewhere to go.  Losing my marriage, my relationship to the only man that I ever loved, was losing my life.  I was scared & thought I would not be able to survive without him.  My married life was over.

In hindsight, I actually lost my life for the 14 years of being in an abusive relationship.  On January 10th, I both lost my married life but I was also reborn that day.   I was reborn to a life alone, independent, and able to make it whatever I want it to be.   I started my pilgrimage to a happy life.

My purpose for writing this particular article is to reach out to the one person who may read this, identify with even a part of it, and realize that there is hope and life after a bad relationship.  Statistically, it takes a woman 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship before she actually leaves.  I am here to give a voice to all abuse victims sharing my story to give hope to the victims that feel all alone.

Part 3 of how my Journey Started details some structure and practical things I had to learn, do, and overcome to actually start walking on the new path in truth and light that I needed to start walking on….

Losing my Life, How my Journey Started – Part 1

09/17/2014,  My pilgrimage to trying to build and find my happy resulted from a series of losses.  Losses either devastate or motivate us.   The very word, Loss, conveys something we miss and will never get back.  In the past year, the losses I have experienced have both devastated and motivated me to keep going, to keep surviving.  My blog is about my journey to finding happiness, so I want to share the losses in my life and how my journey started.  Hopefully, in reading about my experience, you will be able to reflect moments in your life of extreme despair and how they pushed you to keep going.  Remembering these losses helps keep the life force that motivates us to keep striving, to keep going, to seek a happy life.

My mother died when I was 13 years old, and my father raised me.  My dad became my mother, father, and authority figure.  All through my teenage years, he helped me with my first heartache, bullies at school, and really put up with a rebellious teenager who thought she knew everything.   Even when I skipped school for a month & would detach the phone plug just far enough no calls would come into the house and I got all the mail from the school and hid it, my father fought the school not to punish me.  Yes, while he was very angry with me, he only wanted the best for me and to try to understand me.  He understood I was being bullied and he took care of me, protecting me.

From 20 to 30 years of age, my dad continued to be my person….the one that would help me when I made mistakes, when I needed help, or when I just needed someone to be there.   We transitioned from parent and child to parent and friend.  We played musical instruments together, went fishing together, still argued and had debates, but we learned to respect each other.  I was 26 years old, when I learned that my dad had named me his health care proxy.  I was called to an emergency room to hear my sister  announce Dad needed bypass surgery and that I was to make all decisions for him.   My dad never told me that he made me his proxy.   I was scared to death.  I was worried for him, but also scared for myself.  What would I ever do without him?  Thanks to God, he lived and went back to his normal routine.  Life, my life, went back to normal…having my dad, my person in my life.

From 30 to 40, My dad saw me in an abusive marriage.  He encouraged me to get out, but I never listened to him.  I was bound and determined to make my marriage work.  My dad’s health worsened.  I would visit him three times a week and continued to play music, watch tv, or just visit and talk.   My dad continued to help me in my life, giving guidance when I would listen.   He helped both my husband and myself over and over  financially & emotionally.  My dad truly became my friend.  Looking back, I realize how extremely difficult it must have been for him to watch his little girl be hurt & abused by someone.

Age 42, My Cancer —-I was cut from hip to hip for a hysterectomy & then diagnosed with uterine cancer.   My dad held me when I cried, visited me, took me for ice cream (to lighten my mood), and told me to take life one day at a time.  Being diagnosed with cancer was the first time that something other than another person threatened my life, and I could see my own mortality.  It was during this time in my life that my father really told me about his faith in God and how God was always with me.  I began to see my dad as not just being the tough old bird I knew him to be, the disciplinarian, but also as the gentle man with a strong, personal faith in God.  My dad and I had a deeper appreciation for each other.

Age 43-44,  My dad’s congestive heart failure was worsening.  He was on oxygen 24 hours a day, could not drive, could not wash himself, could not cook, clean, but refused outside help.  My brother & I took care of him the best we could.  My brother took him to doctors and places and did all shopping.  I did his medicine box, cooked a little, and bathed him, did laundry, etc.   I started to feel the loss of him before he even died as I watched the man who gave me life slowly slipping away.  I was losing my person.  However, I was more concerned with his welfare, was he happy? Was my dad in pain? Was he scared?  We had long talks about all of these questions.   It was my turn to take care of him after he took care of me my whole life.

Age 44, Losing my Dad, the first part of losing my life.   On Christmas morning, I called my dad to check on him and tell him I would be at his house in a couple of hours only to hear him ask me to call the ambulance.  He could not breathe.  He was admitted to the hospital for the last time on Christmas.  My dad was the king of comebacks, so on the day he was supposed to be discharged home — on December 30th, I went home to shower when  I received a call from the hospital telling me to get back there right away.  He was coughing up blood as his lungs were bleeding.  We, his family, knew his time was dwindling.  He started seeing his own father, who died when he was 12 yrs old, and other relatives who had passed.  It was difficult to be strong.  I was his health care proxy.  Decisions had to be made.  We took him home on January 2nd, 2014  on comfort care.  We brought him home to die.  He passed away at home on January 10th, the man who gave me life, who raised me, who was my person.  We buried him on January 16th, which would have been his 81st birthday.

When my father died in front of me, I died too.  I lost my life as I knew it.   His suffering was over, but mine was just beginning.  Losing a parent is a death.  Suddenly, I was parentless.  I lost the person I confided in about my marriage, about everything from finances to my health.  I lost my dad & my friend.   While I loved my mother, I cherished my father.   My husband kept me isolated, like abusers often do.  But, he could never keep me from my dad.  My dad was the person who knew all about me and loved me anyway.  The loss of my father was losing a huge piece of my life and more importantly, my heart.

While losing my father, my dad, devastated me, it also pushed me to build a life for myself.  I wanted to be the happy, whole person that my father always wanted me to be.   I found strength I never knew I had which came from his love for me.  In his death, I found the strength to leave my abusive husband and try one day at a time to build a happy life.  I am, after all, my father’s daughter and I was a person before I was married.  Somehow, I forgot that.  But, in the wake of my dad’s death….I realized I am a person, I have the right to not be hurt, and I have the right to finding a happy life.  This is the first part of how I lost my life which started my pilgrimage to a happy life.

 

Overload Alert,When the Road to a Happy Life is Littered with Information

09/15/2014,  There are times when we are overloaded with information so much that we brood, become indecisive, and emotional.   In today’s electronic age, any topic can be researched, studied, and thought upon.  However, the value of the information can range from totally not true to absolutely right on.  We google topics to help direct our decisions, but sometimes we take in too much information that we cannot decipher truth from fiction as anyone can post anything on the internet.  The road to happiness can become littered with information and block the path to a happy life.

When I was thinking of leaving my abusive husband, I searched the internet and googled for endless hours on domestic violence, how to leave safely, divorce, when to leave a relationship, legalities of ending a marriage, etc., etc.   I spent hours researching hoping that one of the sites I googled would help me make the decision for me.   The problem was that there were sites suggesting marriage counseling,  sites stating that leaving is more dangerous than staying, and other sites stating that divorce is against God and a sin.  There was so much information on the internet from counselors, survivors of domestic violence, religious groups, and lawyers that my head began to spin.   I was on information overload.

So, what is a person to do with information overload?  How do we tell truth from fiction on the web?  For me, I asked someone knowledgeable whom I trusted.  I asked a counselor who works with domestic  violence victims what to believe and what not to believe. Then, I used my gut instinct and my own experience to help guide my path.   For instance, I believe that God wants people to be safe, happy, and not abused.  In my situation, the abuse was so severe that no amount of marriage counseling would have helped when my very life was in jeopardy numerous times.  I had to come to terms that the information I was reading on the internet about whether to leave or not was written by others who knew nothing about my particular situation.  Also, there was going to be no magic website that was going to make my decision for me.   Too much information with various opinions blocked my path to leaving my abuser for quite awhile.

Of course, googling topics and being flooded with information occurs all the time especially if you like to research topics.  The key to coping with information overload is to learn how to decipher the information flooding in.  Please do not let your road to a happy life become blocked or littered with so much information that you cannot see the very road your traveling.  Learn when to stop surfing the web and to make a decision and go with it.  Only you know what is best for you on your life’s highway.

 

 

 

Overcoming the Roadblock of Fear on Life’s Highway

09/13/2014,  Fear can immobilize and destroy self-esteem.  Fear can cause stress, depression, and self-doubt.  We are all on this journey we call life, and at one time or another we all fear something.   Abusers, health concerns, job losses, financial fears, and even fear of the unknown or future can all be roadblocks on life’s highway.   How do we overcome fear?  In the words of Maya Angelou:

“Having courage does not mean we are unafraid.  Having courage and showing courage means we face our fears.  We are able to say, I have fallen, but I will get up.”

Courage in the face of adversity comes from within the very core of the survival instinct in all living things.  For instance, a mother elephant will defend her pup to her death when the lioness attacks.   A K-9 police dog will defend it’s partner and keep fighting even when all hope is lost.  Soldiers will keep fighting despite overwhelming odds.   A victim of abuse will flee her or his abuser, often having nothing, with the courage that wells up inside and screams, “fear the abuser, have courage that there is hope for a better life.”  Someone who loses their job finds the courage to update their resume and keep applying even though they are fearful of not knowing how they will survive financially.  All of these examples demonstrate courage in action.  The spirit of courage in the face of overwhelming adversity.

However, there are times when fear does immobilize and stun us.  We can’t move.  Can’t even see past the hour or the day.  What should we do then?  How do we find courage when we do not feel courageous.  How do we find courage when we are hopeless and in the pit of despair? There are many things we can do.  We can find one thing we can do, and do it.  We can write out ways to deal with the adversity.  We can talk to others about our fears.  We can do soul searching and some positive self-talk about why we need to go on.  We can pray to God and utilize our faith.  There are many ways to find the courage to overcome the roadblock of fear.   Finding a way in which works best for you may take testing out a few methods of finding courage to face fear.   It is noteworthy, that sometimes finding the will/courage to move forward may take time.  Sometimes it is ok to be fearful and feel the fear, the point is that the moment we move forward…we are moving with courage and fear is losing its’ power over us.

Personally, there are many fears I have had to deal with.  Escaping an abusive spouse, the death of my father, living on my own, and now – the loss of my job (income).   Being afraid of someone hurting me, of being alone, and having no income could immobilize me.  It has caused both depression and motivation.  Having faith in God that he will never leave me is comforting.  Having friends to talk to, support me, and spend time with makes me feel cared for and that I am a worth-while person.  Self-esteem has always been an issue for me.  But, when others tell me that I am a good person & care enough to be supportive, the positive feelings that come from that help me to find the courage to move beyond fear into action  Sometimes, I use the courage my friends have for me until I can find my own courage within myself.  Am I still fearful?  Yes.  Is the fear immobilizing me?  No.  I have to pick myself up out of the dust, brush myself off, and have the courage to look for ways to overcome the thing or things I am fearful of.

If you have something in your life causing you fear, if you are escaping domestic violence or some other adversity, I challenge you to look inward and find the will to survive—the courage to survive.  Something may have put you down for the count, but getting back up is in our very nature.  Life’s highway has many twists and turns…there are even roadblocks.  Overcoming the roadblock of fear on life’s highway can be a daunting task, but a courageous one.

 

 

 

Is There a Yellow Brick Road to Safety & Happiness?

09/10/2014,  In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy & her little dog Toto run away from home & then return only to get sucked up into a twister and wind up in the land of Oz.  She has to follow the yellow brick road to the Wizard who she believes will get her back home.  Along the way, she befriends the Tin Man, Lion, and Scarecrow who journey with her.  There are places among the yellow brick road where she meets the Wicked Witch, who wants to get her and her doggy too.  My question is this, Is there a yellow brick road to safety and happiness?  Do we, each one of us, face our own Wicked Witch and other obstacles that try to block us from our goals?  Are there bright, sunny places on the road & also stormy, dark places? 

For the survivor of abuse, whether it is domestic violence or childhood abuse, the journey to safety and happiness is a yellow brick road.  Some survivors befriend other survivors, counselors, support groups, church members, new neighbors.  Some of the Wicked Witches are of course, the abuser or abusers, but can also be bad policemen, the court system, negative people, and other dark forces.   Just like Dorothy, the woman goes from being a victim to a survivor when, in her mind, she wants to survive and will do anything necessary to survive even moving to another state or changing her identity.    Other people, namely professionals, believe a survivor is someone no longer being abused.  But, I believe the change comes the minute the person wants to live, wants something better & knows he or she deserves it.   Dorothy was trying to get back home to Auntie Em where she was loved.  Survivors are on a journey to find the safety and happiness…to find there home.  Is it a coincidence that a childhood story can mirror an abuse survivor’s journey to a happy life? Or, is it just possible, that there really is a yellow brick road to safety and happiness?

As a survivor of abuse, I see the similarities between my life and this beloved fairy tale.  My evil witches are my abusers, my journeymen are my friends, other abuse survivors, and even my pets.  I have made a decision to follow my yellow brick road and find my home of peace, safety, and a happy life.  There are sunny days and dark days.  But, I keep forging ahead.   Just like in the story, the wizard really did not make Dorothy go home…it was her mind & some slippers (but really her mind – to say there is no place like home).  Similarly, living alone at first – my house seemed like a prison… I was lonely, scared, and had no clue how to live.  There is no wizard on my yellow brick road…but at the end, there will be a life I want to live…. a life worth living.  No more will I be the caged animal under the control of another.  I have escaped the cage, overcome the thought of going back to the cage, and am running far and fast. 

There are lessons to be learned in our beloved tales & fables…. lessons we can apply to our lives.  By seeing the similarities of our lives in a story, we can see just how far we have really traveled.   When we can identify things in our lives that we have been through, lived through, and they are behind us….it is then we know that we are on our own pilgrimage to a happy life.  

 

Heart Work, A Necessity to Moving Beyond the Pain

09/07/2014,  What does it mean to Let Go and move forward? What is it that it being let go when ending a relationship?  Letting go is really about getting rid of the anchor around your heart & coming to terms that the relationship is really over.   The moving forward is simply….living life…creating a new life and building new memories.  This is a HUGE step in ending an abusive relationship.  Letting go is necessary to move forward to building a happy life.  But, how?  Letting go & moving forward is what I call, Heart Work.

 

Coming to terms with thoughts and feelings associated with ending a bad relationship varies from person to person.  Some people see a professional counselor to work through their feelings slowly, or they talk with friends or family who give them support.  Overtime, they create new positive, happy feelings by doing new things and creating new memories without the person.  Then, there are those that hold onto the pain and hurt because they are afraid to let it go.  For these people letting go means acknowledging someone hurt them, truly hurt their soul and that they will never get the “I’m sorry” they are looking for.  The heart filled with pain, anger, resentment, and jealousy….broken…..needs to find a way to heal so that love, happiness, and joy can enter.  This healing process is what I refer to as Heart Work.

 

Today, I realized that I am the type that holds onto the hurt and agony because I still want to know why….why he hurt me?  Why he cheated?  Why did he hurt torture me for all those years?  I left my abusive marriage on January 10th, 2014, and we are now legally separated.  For the past 9 months, I have been learning and adapting to living alone.   Tomorrow, 09/08 will be our 13th wedding anniversary which leads me to the realization that I am no where near letting go of the pain.  I have all the typical questions.  I loved him, why did he hurt me?  What did I do to make him be mean to me all the time?  Could I have been better?  etc., etc. etc.   My Heart Work is just beginning.  This realization that I need to find a way to LET GO of this pain & hurt and that I will never get the I’m Sorry or any explanations is very difficult to accept.  I know I need to let go of the pain in order to move forward to let happiness reside in my heart.  Right now, happiness comes and visits my soul/heart in moments with my pets, doing something fun, etc.  But, in order for happiness and peace to reside inside my heart and life – I will have to do my own HEART WORK.  For today, acknowledging the pain & realizing that keeping it is only hurting me is a step on another twisty curve on my pilgrimage to a happy life.

 

 

09/09/2014, Some people are paranoid thinking that everyone is out to get them. Then, there are those who think that everyone is out to get them and they are correct.  The latter is especially true of anyone escaping abuse, and I will tell you why.  Abusers isolate their victims from family, friends (male or female), doctors, and anyone else the abuser sees as a threat.  So, who does the victim get to associate with?  Who are the people in his or her life?  The answer….the abusers friends and or family.  People similar to the abuser as healthy individuals would not be able to tolerate the abuser’s actions or demeanor.  This is not to say that every abused woman is surrounded by predators.  But, there are many woman in the same predicament, surrounded by the sharks (predators).

Finding safety often means leaving everyone and everything behind.  Literally, the victim is starting his or her life over…different location, not knowing a single soul, new job, etc.  Once a person has been around predators, always feeling on guard and looking over your shoulder will still occur. Feeling on edge has become like breathing air.  Because the victim has been isolated, trusting people, making friends, and socializing can be extremely difficult and emotionally overwhelming at times.  So, while the victim is no longer surrounded by predators, he or she feels like a kitten among a den of wolves…tip toeing and saying…”I’m really a wolf, don’t eat me”.   Survivors of abuse are people just like everyone else, yet different.  Often misunderstood, because the effects of abuse linger into the every aspect of the victim’s life.

I am told that it is possible to build a life worth living and to find happiness after escaping abuse and finding safety.  For a few months after I left my abuser, other predators surfaced & tried to take advantage of me.  They offered to help me with this or that but there were always strings attached such as wanting money for helping me.  I realized quickly that these people who wanted to help me were connected to my abuser and not good for me.  I got rid of them very quickly.  I found safety.

  I have started my pilgrimage to a happy life, as I am no Today, I can choose who I associate with and surround myself with positive and supportive people.   I am now a kitten among other cats avoiding the den of wolves. There was a time when I thought everyone was out to get me and they were.  This is no longer true, and I am on my way to building the happy life I want. 

If you are surrounded by predators, you can break free.  There is hope for something better, for safety.  I am living proof that it is possible to break free.

 

 

 

The Twisty Road of Life

09/04/2014,  Life’s road is full of twists and turns.  It is seldom straight.   The curves can be gentle and slight, or the curves can be hard and angled sharply.  However, life is a road of sorts. There is a beginning and and ending.  Life’s pilgrimage to a happy life, a live worth living, can be tedious at times but also really a blessing too.  The road we walk in our life reflects our choices, how we cope, and how we survive.

As any abuse survivor knows, the cycle of abuse only stops when one gets off.   The getting off the cycle can be a twisty road.  The same is true for anyone struggling with habits they want to stop or any kind of cyclical turmoil.  The highs feel fabulous and the lows….the lows are hell.  When things are good, they are very good – the best feeling in the world so much so, that we forget the utter despair of the lows. 

For me, getting off the cycle  & starting to walk my twisty road of life, was the most difficult thing I have ever done.  Actually leaving an abusive marriage to a man that I both loved dearly and hated with intensity.  When my husband stroked my hair & called me his wife, he made me feel like I was the only person/woman in the world.  He gave me all of his attention.  However, when things were bad and he was yelling at me and berrating me telling me that I am a “waste of skin”; he gave me all of his attention then too.

  In January, on the day my father died, my husband told me of 3 girlfriends he met on craigslist….that is when I hit bottom.  Thank God for that bottom.  I left with my pets, their toys, and dog crate, and a few clothes.  I left basically with nothing personal for myself.  Like so many women who leave in the middle of the night with nothing but clothes on their back.  The only thing that saved me was that my father left me his house and possessions.  My father who just died provided for my survival and escape. 

The first few months were VERY hard as I learned to live alone.  I was mourning my father and the marriage I had left.  I had to realize that I had freedoms I never had before.  I could eat what I wanted, wear what I wanted, and actually sleep in a bed any time I wanted.  This took months for me to realize these freedoms.  I went to the grocery store and bought food my husband liked even though I was living by myself….out of habit…out of being controlled.

After 8 full months, I realize that my pilgrimage to a happy life is going to be full of twisty turns.  I will vere to the right and to the left.  I will have to make decisions for myself that will determine the course of my life’s road from here on out.  I don’t know what curves I will have, but I know I will always look to the road ahead.  I have escaped and am on the twisty road to my happy life.  I hope you find your own twisty road to a happy life and never look back.

Macro Photography : Relax by sekurit

Like a butterfly spreading its wings, we all spread our wings and fly when we step out of our comfort zones and try new things…