09/24/2014, Events can put us in situations, but then there is an internal event that takes place within us. Previously, I have detailed how losing my father when he died and how losing my marriage was losing my life. These two events did put me in the situation of living alone and all that comes with being alone and friendless. However, my 3rd and final part of Losing My Life has to do with overcoming my fears, fear of rejection, fear of having no one – not even friends, fear of not being able to support myself, and a whole host of other fears. Then, after realizing my fears having to find the self-esteem to reach out of my comfort zones to start my pilgrimage to a happy life.
When faced with tragedy, trauma, a crisis, etc…. the situation is the situation. There are some who would say we are powerless over some of these events, and that is true. Being abused, cheated on, the death of a loved one, unemployment, illness, are all examples of situations that we never want but are thrust upon us. However, how we go through them….our attitude, our behavior, even our very thinking can decided how the journey through the situation will be….dark and twisty, or light and curvy.
In January 2014, when I lost both my father and my marriage, I faced living alone for the first time in my life at the age of 44. I had a couple of friends from a church that I had stopped going to that I could call and talk on the phone, but that was all the friends I had at that time. My brother and sister were going through their own grief, and such as life, we were not close. There was no one to do things with, spend time with, talk about my day, etc. One day, driving home from work….it took me 2 1/2 hours to get home because of the snow. When I finally got home, I realized what living alone meant…If I had gone into a snow bank no one would have known I never made it home. So, now I realized that besides not having anyone to spend time with there is a safety factor of being alone as well. In deed, I had many fears.
After years of being isolated, abused, and tortured, I knew that I had little to no self-esteem. I had zero sense of self-worth with mounds and mounds of shame, guilt, and blame ever present in my life. I would have to lose my life, these traits that effected my personality and mood – my very thinking, if I was ever going to find happiness. How would I ever be able to get rid of these thoughts and feelings that were so deeply rooted?
I started researching everything on self esteem, abuse, living alone, divorce, etc. I reached out to an aunt who lost my uncle a couple of years ago, and asked her how she went on and built a life after his death. Some suggestions on how to build a life were things I would never do. However, there were some that I did do and that started me on my Pilgrimage to a Happy Life. Some of the suggestions that I actually did do were: 1. Made a list of people that I could call, 2. Meditated, prayed, and asked myself what I believed about God, nature, etc, 3. did ONE thing a day that I would enjoy doing…not laundry but something I would actually enjoy, 4. Started a journal of my innermost feelings, 5. Utilized the free events at the library to start being able to be around “people” and feel ok, 6. Started volunteering which made me feel socially active but also useful, 7.Found something that could distract me when I started feeling down or anxious – whether it was a puzzle, baking, etc…something to focus my attention on, 8. Went to things I was invited to…whether a dinner, a campfire at my aunt’s, etc., and 9. created a schedule/calendar of activities I could do or wanted to do to use as a visual cue that I am part of the world and had things to look forward to. There are many other things I could have done to help myself such as counseling, support groups, etc. but these 9 are the things I actually did and do that helped me overcome all the negative thoughts and feelings about myself.
In order for me to LOSE the negative internal feelings, behaviors, etc… I had to REPLACE them with something positive. Volunteering made me feel useful, doing one thing a day I enjoy gave me a joyful/happy/content feeling, calling other people made me feel connected and remembered, and journaling made me realize where I have been and where I want to go in life. Prayer & meditation gave me solace and comfort. Recognizing anxiety symptoms made me realize distraction could and does help. Losing and replacing negatives is a process. It does not happen overnight. For me, it is and will be part of my journey. However, I am on my way to building a happy life with self-esteem, self-worth, and feeling OK about being me as my internal companions.
If you struggle with fears, low self-esteem, self-doubt, guilt, etc…. I hope this article has encouraged you to look at what you can do to make your life better. As long as we have breath, there is hope for a happy life.
PILGRIMAGE TO A HAPPY LIFE 